Mem Saab (yet again)

We were supposed to be going into town but as we reached Maid Marian Way, a blast of icy wind from the frigid heart of Siberia caught us and drove us shivering into the nearest welcoming venue – Mem Saab.

We had no reservation but while the greeter was sucking his teeth and consulting his paperwork, our friend from the other night at Hart’s spotted me. He swept through the restaurant, vigorously pumped my hand and guided us to a vacant table - such celebrity all of a sudden.

This was, I think, the best meal I have had at Mem Saab and probably one of the best Indian dinners that I have had outside of India herself. A new discovery was the unpronounceable but delicious Saunf Gosht – a mild lamb dish. Their Nan breads really are excellent and freshly made.

We ordered wisely and left room for desserts. I tried a Rasmalai milk pudding which was wonderfully authentic and my friends went for Gulab Jamun which are like miniature, spherical treacle puddings.

The last time I saw Gulab Jamun was at a stall by the side of the road in Rajasthan. We had just witnessed a total eclipse of the sun and our taxi-driver, who had been terrified, insisted that we try them as a tribute to the Sun-God’s victory over The Moon. I was in the grip of a powerful disorder of the digestive system at the time and the little brown balls, floating in a wok of grotty black syrup did not inspire confidence. But they were wonderful and even seemed to restore me quickly to health.

Hugs and Kisses

Since I have been travelling around Europe with work I find myself in a more or less permanent state of confusion about kissing etiquette. I think I have got the hang of France (shake hands first time, one kiss on each cheek subsequently) although I would really like some clarification about which cheek to start with. Spain is different though, my proffered hand was ignored and I was roughly embraced and kissed with what seemed like indecorous passion from the first meeting. In Switzerland it’s three kisses apparently. No, wait… that only applies in the Italian speaking cantons.

Now Johnny Foreigner has been spreading his funny ways in our own country and every social situation has become a minefield of awkward encounters. If we have to kiss each other, can’t we all just agree on a system or have the government draw up a set of guidelines or something. One kiss on the right cheek, minimal contact, right hand resting gently on opposing shoulder of partner, quick return to respectful distance. We must have some standardisation. As it is, you never know what is going to happen. Are we in Nottingham (probably one kiss), London (probably two) or Media-London (might be anything at all - air-kissing is out and full-on-the-lips seems to be in)?

At the champagne reception at Harts on Wednesday I spotted Saskia, their glamorous business development manager. I’m currently negotiating with her for some advertising on another of my websites so I thought I would go and say hello. I advanced with outstretched hand and Saskia, Nordic, sleek and immaculate in a black suit, inclined a flawless cheek in my direction. I rapidly converted my attempted handshake into an upper arm clasp and at that moment Saskia stepped aside to avoid a waiter with a tray of brimming cocktails. I grabbed her breast and poked her in the eye with the frame of my spectacles. Nice one…

The new Hart’s looks lovely. All those primary colours and dazzling whites have gone and softer tawny fabrics have replaced them. The light has been collected in pools above the new intimate booths, gathered around a central hub. The nibbles were gorgeous; enough to tempt me back to try the new £19 menu at the soonest opportunity.

On the way out I passed the guy from Mem Saab (the manager?) coming in to spy on the competition no doubt.

Merchants

On Friday I flew back from Switzerland for my birthday dinner at Merchants.

Pretty flash huh? Actually the 10-hour journey back from Lugano to Nottingham was a bloody nightmare. I got up and found myself barely able to walk after a day's climbing in the Alps on Thursday. I only just managed to drag my case and laptop up the hill to the bus station in time to catch the bus to Milan. The bus journey was full of anxiety, taking 2 hours instead of the advertised 45 minutes and I arrived at the airport with only 30 minutes before the departure of my Easyjet flight. Of course the flight was then delayed for an hour and a half and I began to visualise the chain of connections toppling like dominos and leaving me stranded overnight in an airport lounge on my birthday.

But thankfully I made it back and managed to freshen up in time to chill some fizz for pre-dinner drinks before our guests arrived.

Dinner at Merchants redeemed the day. There were eight of us and though it wasn't really possible to sample everybody's food I congratulate myself on my own choice. The beef fillet ravioli was infused with truffle oil which seemed almost to make me high. The fillet of brill was... brill. Everybody seemed on excellent form and the wine and conversation flowed late into the night. So late in fact that some time after midnight we were asked to retire to the bar so that they could set our table for breakfast.

The bill came in at £357, a number which at the time resisted all my attempts to divide it by eight and which appeared rather alarming. I've now done the sums and can reveal that the answer is about £44 a head which was very good value for food and wine of this quality.

I was about to conclude that Merchants had finally beaten Harts in the battle for the top slot in Nottingham but wouldn't you know it - Harts has just re-invented itself and I'm invited to a champagne and canape reception for the relaunch on Wednesday, so judgement is reserved for now.

NB. The top slot in Nottingham almost certainly really belongs to the Michelin-starred Restaurant Sat Bains which I really must revisit as soon as I can face their heart-stopping bills again.

Free Gifts

When you have a website, you naturally want people to read it. The standard way of achieving this is to get lots of other people to link their website to yours. When I found that I could get a free listing on www.yell.com, the online Yellow Pages, I decided to register EatNottingham.com in the "Newspapers & Magazines" section.

As it turned out, they don't actually give you a proper link to your website at all but they certainly do list your business (if you can call this silly blog a business).

The result of my listing on Yell.com has been a spectacular increase in junk mail (the sort that the postman brings) and unsolicited telephone calls. Unfortunate perhaps, but some of it has been interesting...

Just before the long school holidays I was besieged with phone calls from very young people hoping for work experience at my "newspaper". In an era of general paedophile hysteria, it seems incredible that schoolchildren are cold-calling strangers out of the Yellow Pages and asking for an interview.

Brrrrringggg!
"Hello? Is that Climax Video Productions?"
"Yes it is. How may I help you, young lady?"
"I'm looking for some, err... work experience."
"Are you indeed?"
...

Just before Christmas I received through the post an extraordinary number of carefully monogrammed pens, each bearing the name of EatNottingham.com. Some of these pens were rubbish, but a couple of them have become instant favourites. They are easily the best pens that I posess, great big chunky chrome jobs with beautiful presentation cases. Thanks a lot, whoever you are.

Now, as a representative of the media, I am starting to get invites to film premieres! Admittedly, only at the Broadway so far but this surely bodes well for the future. Improve the quality of your junk mail and sign up with Yell.com today!

Anyway, Friday is my birthday and 8 of us are going to Merchants for dinner. Watch this space...