Hugs and Kisses

Since I have been travelling around Europe with work I find myself in a more or less permanent state of confusion about kissing etiquette. I think I have got the hang of France (shake hands first time, one kiss on each cheek subsequently) although I would really like some clarification about which cheek to start with. Spain is different though, my proffered hand was ignored and I was roughly embraced and kissed with what seemed like indecorous passion from the first meeting. In Switzerland it’s three kisses apparently. No, wait… that only applies in the Italian speaking cantons.

Now Johnny Foreigner has been spreading his funny ways in our own country and every social situation has become a minefield of awkward encounters. If we have to kiss each other, can’t we all just agree on a system or have the government draw up a set of guidelines or something. One kiss on the right cheek, minimal contact, right hand resting gently on opposing shoulder of partner, quick return to respectful distance. We must have some standardisation. As it is, you never know what is going to happen. Are we in Nottingham (probably one kiss), London (probably two) or Media-London (might be anything at all - air-kissing is out and full-on-the-lips seems to be in)?

At the champagne reception at Harts on Wednesday I spotted Saskia, their glamorous business development manager. I’m currently negotiating with her for some advertising on another of my websites so I thought I would go and say hello. I advanced with outstretched hand and Saskia, Nordic, sleek and immaculate in a black suit, inclined a flawless cheek in my direction. I rapidly converted my attempted handshake into an upper arm clasp and at that moment Saskia stepped aside to avoid a waiter with a tray of brimming cocktails. I grabbed her breast and poked her in the eye with the frame of my spectacles. Nice one…

The new Hart’s looks lovely. All those primary colours and dazzling whites have gone and softer tawny fabrics have replaced them. The light has been collected in pools above the new intimate booths, gathered around a central hub. The nibbles were gorgeous; enough to tempt me back to try the new £19 menu at the soonest opportunity.

On the way out I passed the guy from Mem Saab (the manager?) coming in to spy on the competition no doubt.